In a move that still has people scratching their heads, Ashton Kutcher has been cast in the independent film Jobs, a biopic about Apple founder and computer genius Steve Jobs which is due to start shooting in May.
And while I’ll admit that there may be some physical similarities between Kutcher and young Steve Jobs, it’s not enough to excuse one of the most ridiculous cinematic casting decisions in recent memory.
Topping that list? This snivelling little bitch getting cast as the most fearsome cinematic villain of all time.
Here are 3 reasons why casting Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs is mind-blowingly stupid:
1) HE’S A BAD COMEDIC ACTOR AND EVEN WORSE DRAMATIC ACTOR
Ashton Kutcher doesn’t really act in comedic films and television. He pretty much just plays the same irritating walking talking dildo that he does in all his roles.
Exhibit A.
Exhibit B.
Exhibit C.
Amazingly, his comedic performances seem downright Shakespearean when compared to his “dramatic” work.
I’d buy Western Round Up Barbie and Ken as legitimate cowboys before I would Kutcher and The Beek.
But by far his worst “dramatic” performance has to be as a homeless gigolo (yes, you read that correctly) in the absolutely pointless 2009 film Spread.
In the film Kutcher preys on women, tries to appear gritty by talking in a ridiculous and monotone deep voice, and has numerous naked and gratuitous sex scenes with Anne Heche.
On the plus side? Lots of batshit crazy ex-lesbian cougar nipples.
You would think that producers would want a lead with tremendous talent and great range to try and capture the essence of a complex visionary like Steve Jobs, but I guess the morons making the film figured the ability to grow long hair and a scruffy beard is the only prerequisite for an actor to turn in an excellent performance.
I don’t smell Oscar.
2) HE’S A CORPORATE SHILL
Ashton Kutcher is well known for being tech-savvy. He’s a celebrity tweeting trailblazer, has over 10 million Twitter followers and has been very public about investing in many Silicon Valley start up companies.
As opposed to investing in regular haircuts, showers and shaves.
However, during a recent episode of Two and a Half Men, Kutcher appears in several scenes with a laptop which is plastered with stickers of numerous tech startups like Foursquare, GroupMe, Hipmunk, Flipboard and Chegg.
Not only did none of these companies pay for advertising on the show, but the start ups also happen to be some of Kutcher’s most high profile angle investments. Kutcher was even reprimanded for the stunt by CBS, who were unaware of his connection with the companies.
“Hey Demi, it’s me. Don’t worry about splitting up your millions. I got it covered.”
Even worse, in the September 2011 issue of Details magazine Kutcher served as a guest editor and heavily promoted and endorsed a variety of companies.
The problem?
Kutcher failed to disclose that he owns a stake in said companies and as a result the Federal Trade Commission announced that the actor could be facing some serious charges.
He better hope pleading “Not Guilty due to being a greedy pompous ass” is a viable defense.
Does it really seem fitting that the guy that is set to play a tech genius who changed the world is a wannabe tech mogul who only cares about lining his pockets?
Survey says “no,” you obnoxious prick.
3) HE’S A F**KING IDIOT
Ashton Kutcher is an idiot.
Putting aside the fact he got married too young, cheated on his cougar wife, and drove the pathetic fame hungry husk that was once Demi Moore into rehab, Kutcher still regularly does all kinds of dumb shit.
Remember the Joe Paterno scandal? When the legendary Penn State football coach turned a blind eye to his assistant coach raping 10 year old boys in the university showers?
Well, so does Ashton Kutcher. But not for the reasons you think.
That’s right, Ashton Kutcher had no clue about the Penn State sex scandal that rocked the entire sports world, devastated the great state of Pennsylvania, and forever tarnished a great football coach’s legacy.
He paid the price for his idiocy dearly, by sparking a huge backlash on Twitter.
Of course, that’s just another day in the life of Ashton Kutcher. Right now he’s currently embroiled in yet another controversy for acting like a complete bonehead.
Less than a week ago Kutcher attended the American Country Music Awards, and due to his garish attire and goofy singing, he has now infuriated millions of country music fans with what they deem to be mocking behaviour.
“♫ Like a Rhinestone douchebag … ♫”
Even singer Miranda Lambert, to whom Kutcher presented the award for Female Vocalist of the Year, expressed her distaste for Kutcher’s stupid antics on Twitter.
The bottom line is Ashton Kutcher can’t seem to go five minutes without pissing people off with the crap he pulls.
Doesn’t Steve Jobs, a brilliant, inspired and innovative man whose genius literally shaped the modern and future world, deserve to be played in a film about his life by an actor who is not a complete and total jackass?
The answer is yes.
[...] in a Steve Jobs biopic despite being a corporate shill under FTC investigation (read all about it here), amazingly Ashton Kutcher has found a way to top [...]
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