Nicolas Cage is not a normal dude. Hell, he’s not even normal by Hollywood standards.
The creepy shifty-eyed bastard is known for his sometimes great but always offbeat cinematic performances, naming his son Kal-El (Superman’s Kryptonian name) and squandering tens of millions of dollars on ridiculous purchases like a medieval castle, a fleet of Rolls Royces and a dinosaur skull.
Perhaps he evolved from something other than apes.
Cage’s career trajectory has gone completely squirrelly, and yet in many ways, he’s more powerful than ever. He’s become a major threat to fans of quality entertainment and proud balding men everywhere.
If that hairline receded anymore it would be in his ass.
Here are 3 reasons Nicolas Cage must be stopped:
1. THE BAD OUTWEIGHS THE GOOD
Nicolas Cage may be a lot of things, but a rich lazy shit who does nothing but sit around on his fat ass and act in only 3 crappy movies over 14 years isn’t one of them.
I guess he spent most of that Rush Hour money on buffets.
No, Nic Cage is pretty much the opposite of Chris Tucker and since 2004, over the course of 8 years, he has starred in 21 movies (if you include cameos then he’s been in 24).
The problem is that for every great or respectable performance there’s been in films like Bad Lieutenant or World Trade Center, the ratio of corresponding catastrophic cases of celluloid thespianism is about six to one, which pretty much negates whatever interesting or quality work Cage may have actually done.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. And Shit.
It’s pretty clear that Nic Cage either agrees to make any movie that’s offered to him or has the absolute worst taste in storytelling of any actor ever. And he’s become so proficient at churning out garbage that, amazingly, Cage is now sucking in movies before a film even goes into production.
Case in point? Marble City. A stupidly-titled “noir revenge thriller” slated to begin production this August, with Cage playing the lead role of the character “Rune.” Here’s the synopsis:
Rune enters Marble City after serving ten years for armed robbery; with an eye patch covering his scarred and mangled eye, he’s full of hate and vengeance. Even though on parole, Rune steals a car, picks up two nickel-plated .45′s and goes on a violent search for the man that wronged him. His investigation brings him into encounters with strippers, mob enforcers and the worst that the underworld has to offer. But Rune also seeks personal redemption, praying for forgiveness from his sinful ways. His journey into darkness culminates in an epic gun battle with those who wronged him.”
Sounds like your typical terrible and vapid Nic Cage action movie shoot’em up flick, right? So how can Cage be sucking in Marble City before the cameras have even rolled?
Because the filmmakers recently debuted this ridiculous poster — which, I’m sorry, looks like it was made by a dorky 13 year old playing around with Photoshop on his computer — at the Cannes Film Festival.
It should read “From Revenge Comes A Piece Of Shit.”
I mean, come on! How is this even happening? Has the man no shame? Only uncontacted tribal Indians living in Brazilian jungles could possibly believe the poster above is showcasing Nicolas Cage’s real hair and body, and they would probably spear him through his stupid f**king pectoral triangle tattoos first.
Cage needs to be stopped because whatever he touches, he taints. Sure there are wacky vehicles like Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans that seem like a perfect fit, but roles like that are an anomaly.
Instead, prolific Nic is getting his grubby mitts on the rights to everything from classic films (The Wicker Man) to symphonic poetry (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) to beloved comic book characters (Ghost Rider). The guy is literally wedging his weirdness into roles he should never have played, which is why you wind up with him making psycho retard piggy faces in front of a mirror for ten minutes in a superhero movie.
Not exactly what Stan Lee had in mind.
2. THE HAIR
Whether it’s the hours he must spend convincing himself he’s fooling millions and successfully fighting baldness or the numerous times he’s been filmed wearing a hair piece that looks like a dead muskrat on his head, Nicolas Cage’s perpetually evolving hideous hair is bordering on becoming a menace to society.
Only nuclear war and global warming are bigger threats to humanity.
3. HE MIGHT BE UNDEAD
There’s a significant chance that Nicolas Cage might be an undead vampire or zombie. Sure it sounds ludicrous, but think about it — if such supernatural creatures exist it would explain both his preternatural ability to pump out movies at an alarming rate and the fact that his hairline refuses to die the true death.
It would also explain why he looks exactly like this guy from 1864 (A real portrait from the Civil War)