Storm Informs

We all knew this was coming.

Justin Bieber wants to break into movies.

And whether you like him or not, you can’t really blame the kid.  I mean, what’s left to come after you take over the music industry and ignite a global hysteria in teeny-boppers the likes of which hasn’t been seen in decades?

Puberty, that’s what.

The rumour is that Bieber and his production company are currently circling the rights to the 1996 psychological thriller Fear.

Apparently Bieber wants his first starring role to be an edgy one, in hopes that it will help him avoid the career-killing mistakes that other pop stars have made when transitioning from music to the big screen.

Although I could totally see the poofy little bastard starring in something like this.

Here are 4 reasons why a Justin Bieber remake of the movie Fear is the worst idea in the history of Hollywood:

1)     HE’S A MASSIVE DOUCHEBAG

Justin Bieber is a massive douchebag:

He wears sneakers with tuxedos.

He makes smug faces even while wearing garish purple sunglasses.

He dresses like a retarded fur-trapping golfer when he goes to the airport.

Now I’m not saying that a real-life douchebag can’t play the role of psychotic teenager David McCall in a remake of the movie Fear — Lord knows Mark Wahlberg pulled it off back in 1996 when he was still the leader of the Funky Bunch.

It’s like Sylvester Stallone f**ked a Spice Girl.

But before Wahlberg appeared in Fear he dropped the “Marky Mark” from his name, focused on acting and spent three years busting his ass taking supporting roles in respected films like Renaissance Man and The Basketball Diaries.

Wahlberg bided his time, learned from talented cast-mates like Leonardo DiCaprio and Danny DeVito, and eventually worked his way up to leading man status.

Bieber, however, is such a massive douchebag and arrogant ass he thinks he can springboard from one documentary about his rise to fame into a challenging and psychologically twisted lead acting role he has no business playing.

Which is why the guy on the left looks crazy and the guy on the right looks like he won a prize at Chuck E. Cheese.

2)    HE WOULD BE THE LEAST INTIMIDATING MOVIE VILLAIN EVER

In the movie Fear, Mark Wahlberg’s David McCall has an imposing and physical presence.

He’s a text book alpha male, and when his muscularity is coupled with his character’s mental instability and violent behaviour, the result is a truly scary villain.

Because nothing says “unhinged” like tattooing yourself in the dark with a Swiss army knife and a ballpoint pen.

At the time he was cast in Fear, Wahlberg was well known for his buff bod and had even showcased it in a famous underwear advertising campaign for Calvin Klein.

The campaign also doubled as a PSA for jock itch.

Say what you will about Mark Wahlberg circa 1996, but there’s no denying the guy was built like a Buick and was in fantastic shape.

Justin Bieber, on the other hand, also did an underwear ad.  Unfortunately for him, and potential G-Star Raw consumers, he’s built like a slender woman with a tiny torso and pipe-cleaner arms.

This must have been marketed towards pedophiles and port-a-potty enthusiasts.

But wait — is it possible I’m giving Bieber too hard a time?  Surely with Hollywood trainers, protein powders and hours of pumping iron he could slap on some size and become muscular enough to appear intimidating as a villain, right?

Nope.

You see, even if Justin Bieber bulked up more than Barry Bonds used to during the off-season, he would still have a hard time appearing menacing due to the fact he actually has the facial features of a lesbian:

There are literally dozens of websites dedicated to this phenomenon, including this one:

www.lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

In fact, singer K.D. Lang, one of the most high profile lesbians in the world, has not only gone on record as saying that she thinks Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian, but was also quoted as finding him “hot as shit.”

Although clearly she’s never seen him play football.

3)    THERE’S NO WAY HE COULD PULL OFF THE ROLLER COASTER SCENE

One of the most memorable scenes in Fear is the steamy encounter between Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon while on a date at an amusement park.

The two climb aboard the front car of a roller coaster, and while the ride ensues, well, let’s just say a steep drop is not the only thrill that Reese experiences.

He’s not looking for his keys.

Now one look at Wahlberg’s smirking face while he’s on the roller coaster is all it takes for you to know that David McCall gets a lot of action.

Justin Bieber, however, with his girly mop of hair and child-like appearance, looks about as sexually experienced as an agoraphobic premature ejaculating Catholic priest.

As a result, there’s not a wardrobe, hair stylist or screenplay in the world that can make me buy that Bieber has the skill and sexual experience to pleasure a girl while plunging 50 feet and whipping around corners at breakneck speeds.

I’m also pretty sure the only finger-banging he’s ever done has been on the drums.

4)    HE’S A TERRIBLE ACTOR

Amazingly, trying to remake Fear is not the first time that Bieber has pursued a role as a villainous badass.  Last year he guest starred on CSI, where he played Jason McCann, “a troubled youth who had rejected government authority.”

Not only did Bieber prove that he can’t pull off playing a bad guy, he also embarrassed himself with what has to be one of the worst death scenes of all time.

After being surrounded by the cops, Bieber gets shot to death.  Rather than try to die onscreen with gritty realism, Bieber instead elects to ham it up and quiver more than an epileptic mime pretending to get electrocuted during an earthquake as bullets riddle his boyish body.

That was just 30 seconds.  Can you imagine what would happen if he starred in an entire movie?  Justin Bieber’s Fear would make the Twilight saga look like The Godfather.

Because it’s difficult to play a tough guy when this is your angry face.