Storm Informs

NBC’s new firefighting rescue drama Chicago Fire premiered last night, and it’s as about as terrible as you’d expect a show that markets itself by putting its entire cast in sweaty soot-stained undershirts to be.

It looks more like a poster for Magic Mike 2: Firehall Strippers.

This show is a giant pile of uninspired formulaic drivel from start to finish, and is more inaccurate about firefighting and emergency response than the marine biologist scientific advisors were for Syfy’s Sharktopus.

Still more believable than Abercrombie & Fitch models in fire helmets.

Here are 5 reasons Chicago Fire is an unbelievably stupid show:

1)     TRAUMATIZED ALPHA MALE FIREFIGHTERS

The main two characters on the show are played by some wooden meathead and the Australian doctor from House M.D. whose stupid fake Chicago accent is more phony than Chris Brown posing with puppies.

Still a petulant woman-beating scumbag piece of shit.

Naturally, the rift between these two stoic chodes begins when one of their teammates gets killed and they each blame each other.  

This tension is also heightened by the fact that the meathead runs the rescue squad and the guy from House M.D. — GASP! – commands the fire truck.  I mean, how could anyone possibly expect two people with almost the exact same job except for a slight variation to get along?

I’ll take 2nd hand smoke as reason why these two hate one another before douchebag pea-cocking.

2)     HIDING MEDICAL CONDITIONS

Early in the pilot episode, Meathead McStogie sneaks off by himself in the firehall, injects himself with cortisone or some kind of steroid, and then makes a big dramatic production out of clenching a fist so even the dumbest of viewers could connect the dots.

I take that back.

Now setting aside the ridiculousness of the guy acting like a junkie by locking himself in a bathroom stall to shoot up, the writers are literally trying to mine drama out of the stupidest of plot lines.  Oh no, Meathead McStogie has some kind of chronic arthritis?  Big f**king deal!

All he has to do is take advantage of his tremendous firefighter benefits and see a doctor for first rate medical care, not pretend he’s goddamn Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting.

Even if in future episodes they try to justify that self-medicating is his only way to keep from being forced out of rescue and into a desk job, by keeping such a debilitating condition a secret he’s still potentially risking the lives of co-workers and civilians if his hand gimps up on a call.

Also, those toned biceps are gonna shrink if he can’t do curls anymore.

3)     HOT LESBIAN PARAMEDICS

There are lots of female paramedics.  Some of them are even lesbians.  But you know what none of them are? Crazy hot bikini models who slink around firehalls in tight undershirts flaunting big bouncy breasts.

If I’m in an accident and see a woman like this, I’m going to heaven, not a hospital.

4)     THE ROOKIE

I’m so sick of “the rookie” being part of an ensemble rescue drama.  I mean, come on, it’s been done to death.  Carter from ER, the young cop from Third Watch, the probie from Rescue Me – hell, even the awesome biker show Sons Of Anarchy is guilty of playing the rookie card with their “prospects.”

However, they are a bit more lax on fitness requirements.

The rookie on Chicago Fire comes off as a particularly obtuse boner.  His character exists solely as a clunky vehicle for other characters to spew excessive exposition about firefighting and emergency response,  and the scene where he’s duped by his co-workers to hit on the lesbian paramedic is downright cringeworthy.

It’s like he’s squeezing a pickle between his buttcheeks. And liking it.

5)     THEY’RE TERRIBLE AT THEIR JOBS

I happen to have a lot of firefighter friends.  And you know what they all have in common?  They’re not dead.  None of them have nearly died dozens of times, none of them have been put into critical condition from falling debris during a fire, and none of them have fallen through a burning floor to their death.

Why?  Because they’re well-trained and not retarded.  The morons on Chicago Fire, however, are about as effective at firefighting and rescue as a ten-year-old playing dress up with a garden hose in his backyard.

“My inflatable axe will save you!”

Over the course of a single episode, one firefighter dies during a fire, another is knocked unconscious in a burning building, a third is gravely injured and put in life-threatening condition, and the damn rescue squad almost kills a little girl by accidentally stabbing her in the heart with a giant needle.

These shitheads are absolutely terrible at their jobs, and if they actually were protecting city streets in real life, then I’m pretty sure the entire city of Chicago would burn to the ground in about three weeks.

Because apparently all it takes to be a hero is a wife-beater and suspenders.