Storm Informs

Once upon a time, George Lucas was arguably the greatest and most creative filmmaker of his generation.  Now he is a heartless, tactless, narcissistic, wildly out-of-touch corporate stooge who is openly raping his life’s work in order to add even more billions to his bank account and apparently drive away every last fan he once had.

Not to mention the fact he’s actually begun morphing into one of his characters.

Neck waddle aside, here are 5 reasons George Lucas is a stupid son of a bitch:

1)     HE’S THE REASON THERE WERE ALIENS IN THE LAST INDIANA JONES MOVIE

Indiana Jones is an archaeologist.  He made a stuffy old profession exciting and adventurous, even if we all know in real life the most action an archaeologist will ever see will be dusting a skeleton or digging up an old pot.

And sure it’s kind of ridiculous that a guy as handsome and cool as Harrison Ford would ever pursue such a stodgy career, but hey, it’s the movies, and nobody wants to see a realistic looking archaeologist on the big screen anyway.

“Look at the ancient Aztec idol I just dug up right before I crapped my pants!”

The point is that despite the creative liberties the first 3 Indiana Jones movies may have taken with archaeology, Indy was still doing what an archaeologist is supposed to do — globe trot around the world searching for priceless artifacts.

The original trilogy also focused exclusively on religious artifacts that had some kind of supernatural quality, and that became as expected in an Indy film as it was for Dr. Jones to don his trusty brown fedora.

But in the years following Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, whenever the topic of another Indy film came up it was made known that a fourth would only happen if Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford and Lucas all agreed on the story.

George Lucas is the person who came up with the idiotic idea to use aliens as a plot device for the fourth film and simply refused to change his mind, despite the fact that both Spielberg and Ford hated it.  As the years went by, and as Harrison Ford kept getting older, the pressure was mounting and the clock was ticking to make a new Indy film.

Because let’s face it, nobody wants to see this guy crack a whip.

Again, Lucas refused to budge on his idea of using “1950′s B-movie aliens” as the film’s premise, and finally convinced Spielberg and Ford of the idea by tossing in some buried crystal skulls and using the bullshit explanation that the aliens were “inter-dimensional” instead of “extra-terrestrial” and that this concept took inspiration from superstring theory.

Outer space, the center of the earth, parallel universes — I don’t care where the hell they come from, you don’t put little green men in a f***ing Indiana Jones movie.

The result was the worst Indy movie ever, a film so terrible it left a permanent stain on an otherwise stellar trilogy.

2)     HE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TWO WORST CINEMATIC CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME

When it comes to creating characters, Lucas truly is hit or miss.  For every Darth Vader and Han Solo there’s also a prissy gold robot or a subdued Samuel L. Jackson preaching about galactic peace instead of swearing his ass off.

Even Jules Winnfeld has trouble looking tough when he gets robes and a purple lightsaber instead of an afro and a .45.

But despite weak characters peppered throughout all of his work, George Lucas broke new ground when he brought to the silver screen quite possibly the two most reviled movie characters of all time:

JAR JAR BINKS: an incoherent, squeaky-voiced, googly-eyed, mentally retarded amphibian with a penchant for farting near heavy machinery.

HOWARD THE DUCK: an uncouth, guitar playing, cigar smoking anthropomorphic duck who is trained in the martial art of “Quack Fu.”

Suddenly Lando Calrissian is looking pretty good.

For a douchebag in a cape, that is.

3)     HE INSISTED ON WRITING AND DIRECTING EVERY FILM IN THE STAR WARS PREQUEL TRILOGY

There’s a reason why The Empire Strikes Back is considered a masterpiece and the greatest Star Wars film of all time — George Lucas didn’t write or direct it.  Maverick director Irvin Kirshner helmed the film which was written by the great Lawrence Kasdan, whose screenwriting credits include classics such as Body Heat, Silverado andThe Big Chill.

Sure Empire was based on a story by Lucas, but because of Kirshner and Kasdan the film was a darker, more adult take on the Star Wars universe.

Not to mention the fact that Empire doesn’t have a lick of lame or clunky Lucas dialogue, a “talent” of his that had grown exponentially by the time old Georgie boy decided he was going to write and direct all three of the Star Wars prequel films.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s the proof:

(personally, I couldn’t make it past the one minute mark) :

The bottom line is that George Lucas is a crappy writer and director.  Once upon a time he was a great producer and idea man, but considering his filmography since Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade looks about as appealing as a shit salad I think it’s safe to say this guy has lost whatever magic he once had.

4)     HE’S A HYPOCRITE

In 1988 Ted Turner purchased the rights to Citizen Kane and intended to perform a full colourization of the print.  In an outrage, George Lucas joined a group of filmmakers to lobby against this effort and ensure that the filmmaker’s original version would always be available to the public.

Although Turner did not take the news of this petition well.

Here’s a few quotes from Lucas in 1988 regarding his thoughts on the issue:

“People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians … These current defacements are just the beginning.”

“Tomorrow, more advanced technology will be able to replace actors with “fresher faces,” or alter dialogue and change the movement of the actor’s lips to match. It will soon be possible to create a new “original” negative with whatever changes or alterations the copyright holder of the moment desires … “

“In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be ‘replaced’ by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten.”

Strong and true words, right?  Well, years later George Lucas apparently forgot all about his thoughts in 1988 and proceeded to dick endlessly with the original Star Wars trilogy.

Don’t even get me started on this incident.

Worst of all?  His digitally altered version of the original trilogy is the only one being released on Blu-Ray this fall.

The original theatrical cut is still not available on DVD and apparently never will be if Lucas has his way, which means the only way you can currently see the original 1970′s and 80′s theatrical cuts of the Star Wars trilogy is if you dust off any copies you might have on VHS.

Which brings me to my final point …

5)     HE’S BUTCHERED THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

Like most people, I could care less if George Lucas wants to spend millions of dollars of his own money to tinker around with the original Star Wars trilogy.  I only care that the version I saw in the theatres as a kid and watched on VHS is available today.

How hard would it be for Lucas to give fans a Blu-Ray or DVD disc that asks you if you want to watch the “2011 Star Wars Edition” or “Original 1977 Theatrical Cut?”  Not very hard at all, actually, as other films give the public multiple versions of films on home video all the time.

Where’s a little carbonite when you need some?

But no, we only get George Lucas’s preferred updated version, because the man is a stupid, egomaniacal son of a bitch who thinks it’s more important to digitally alter a cinematic masterpiece so it feels more cohesive and similar to his recent Star Wars prequel trilogy.

Even if the prequel trilogy was better than the original trilogy Lucas should still have offered the original editions of Star Wars, Empire and Jedi on home video as those films that played in theatres back in the 70′s and 80′s were defining cinematic experiences that should be forever preserved and available to those who want to watch them.

Of course, the Star Wars prequel trilogy is instead one big festering pile of bantha crap, which makes the way George Lucas is obsessing over making all six films fit together better even more upsetting.

Even this wouldn’t surprise me at this point.

The changes to the original trilogy are outrageous and idiotic: replacing Sebastian Shaw’s force spirit with Hayden Christensen’s at the end of Jedi, using CGI to make the Ewoks blink, changing Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Sand People scream so now it sounds like he accidentally swung his lightsaber too close to his Jedi crotch — the list goes on and on.

However, there is one change on the upcoming Blu-Ray that is so mind-boggling and incredibly stupid that it puts all the others to shame.  This alteration is not just offensive — it’s sacrilege.

In the climax of Return of the Jedi, Emperor Palpatine shoots Luke Skywalker with force lightening, punishing him for not joining the dark side.  Darth Vader watches as his son writhes in agony, begging for his father to help him.

In the original, this scene is such a perfect moment.  There is not a single word of dialogue uttered by Darth Vader, yet you hear his voice more in this moment than at any point in the entire trilogy.

Hell, this scene is so powerful that I swear when I remember it in my head I swear I envision Vader’s black mask emoting — that’s how much one can feel the Dark Lord of the Sith’s emotion.

Naturally, George Lucas butchered this moment and tainted the entire original trilogy at the same time.  Everything in those 3 films built to this singular moment — the moment where we witness the redemption of Anakin Skywalker.

Unfortunately, that moment has now been ruined forever:

F*** you, George Lucas.  F*** you very much.