Storm Informs

The TV upfronts are here, which means that sleazy network executives are hard at work this week hawking their upcoming programming to the press and every major advertiser they can.

First out of the gate was NBC, and boy, does their slate of shows look just plain awful.

I’m talking Homeboys in Outer Space awful.

Just looking at the posters for the shows makes it crystal clear that NBC has nothing but a rotten assortment of stinking shit piles lined up as viewing entertainment:

A melodramatic technically-inaccurate excessively-smoky firefighter drama.

A grief therapy “comedy” that continues Matthew Perry’s post-Friends downward spiral.

A blatant Modern Family rip off (except with a stereotypical sassy black sidekick).

The show’s tag line is “Totally Dadass.”  I wish I was making this shit up.

A psychological thriller about a doctor with *GASP* an evil alternate personality!

A Hannibal Lecter drama (he must eat someone each week and never get caught)

A sitcom about a vet (Ha! The doctor is eating a banana, not the monkey! F**k. Me.)

I mean, come on.  That’s the best NBC could come up with for an entire television season?

And I didn’t even include the posters for their pirate action-drama or horrible Dane Cook talk radio shit-com because just looking at them will literally make you dumber.

Still a giant douche.

Shows this stupid and stale are what you’d get if you let a moronic teenager with attention deficit disorder and a frumpy middle-aged divorcé who lives with a dozen cats create your Fall TV line-up.

If you’re looking for a chuckle, try reading the synopses for these spectacularly insipid clusterf**ks of crap.  Or for a real laugh, see if you can make it through one of the three minute extended previews here.

Let’s not forget that the people responsible for NBC programming are the same geniuses who just renewed one of the worst sitcoms in years and fired the talented Conan O’Brien in order to keep an unfunny fat-headed back-stabbing vegetable-hating skunk-haired geriatric f**ktard on their payroll.

Ain’t nothin’ classier than eatin’ a sam-wich while decked out in denim.

With the tremendous amount of garbage NBC is getting ready to air, by the law of averages alone they must have been overdue to develop a program that actually looks like it could be something great.

If that’s the case, then there’s no doubt that Revolution is that show.

I don’t see any monkeys or bananas.

Revolution is executive produced by J.J. Abrams, one of the hottest hit-makers in Hollywood, who is also responsible for Fringe and Person Of Interest, arguably the two best shows currently on television.

And if that wasn’t enough, Revolution was created by Eric Kripke, the mastermind behind the cult hit Supernatural, which, up until Kripke left the show, absolutely was one of the best shows on television.

It doesn’t get more badass than an epic tale of two brothers caught in a war between heaven and hell.

As you can see in the preview below, Kripke is tackling a different type of apocalyptic event with Revolution, in which all electricity is lost and the world is plunged back into the dark ages.

Finally, in addition to the collective awesomeness of end-of-times action, the first ever Kripke / Abrams collaboration, and the fact the pilot is directed by Jon Favreau (Iron Man), Revolution stars two incredible actors — the menacing Giancarlo Esposito (Breaking Bad) and criminally undervalued Billy Burke.

Sadly, Burke is best known as Kristen Stewart’s Sheriff dad in the Twilight movies, despite years of stellar character actor work on shows like 24 and Fringe and in films like the Ryan Gosling thriller Fracture.

He’s also known for being able to rock a serious stache.

In fact, Billy Burke has been doing such great work for years that even superstar creative talents like New York Times best-selling author Michael Connelly have taken notice.

Connelly, whose novel The Lincoln Lawyer was recently made into a film with Matthew McConaughey, has gone on record as saying Burke is very close to how he’d always imagined his other series protagonist, Vietnam Vet and LAPD detective Harry Bosch.

And while Harry Bosch fans can only dream of how Billy Burke would own the role of Connelly’s maverick cop on the big screen, until that day comes they can definitely get a little taste of what Burke-as-Bosch might be like by watching the actor kick ass and take names as an apocalyptic anti-hero in Revolution.