Storm Informs

Ron Swanson is the man.

Sure, he may be fictional — but that doesn’t change the fact that his existence, even if it’s only half an hour a week on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation, enriches the world with wisdom and humour and gives every man a benchmark for testosterone charged excellence.

However, despite the fact millions of people have embraced the doctrine of Swanson, the best character on TV continues to be ignored by The Emmys and other award shows.  Not only has the character of Ron Swanson not won any awards, he hasn’t even scored a single nomination.

Yet these jackholes keep raking them in.

Enough is enough.  It’s time someone took a stand and got all analytical up on this bitch.  Which is why I decided to create a RON SWANSON FIGHT CLUB — a recurring match up which pits Ron F**king Swanson against other notable (and supposedly great) characters on television.

First up?

Phil Dunphy.

The goofy and hapless Dad from the massively overrated Emmy-winning sitcom Modern Family.

Because there’s nothing more groundbreaking in comedy than a dorky middle-aged man trying to be hip.  Not.

So here we go.  Swanson vs. Dunphy:

ROUND 1: NUTRITION

This is what Phil Dunphy has for breakfast:

This is what Ron Swanson has for breakfast:

Winner: Swanson

ROUND 2: FASHION

Phil Dunphy is a respected realtor, and, despite his juvenile personality and “adorable” (and often annoying) quirks, is generally considered a responsible parent and family man.

As a result, Phil Dunphy is most often seen sporting traditional and conservative clothing like this:

Not pictured: his tighty-whiteys.

Ron Swanson, on the other hand, wears whatever the hell he wants because he’s Ron F**king Swanson.  Suits, sweaters, slacks, Tiger Woods golf shirts, orange hunting vests — it doesn’t matter.

Ron Swanson doesn’t wear fashion.  Ron Swanson IS fashion.  That’s why Tauntr.com created a pair of custom Converse Chuck Taylor shoes with Ron Swanson’s face on them.

They also smell like bacon and gunshot residue.

Winner: Swanson

ROUND 3: ROMANCE

Phil Dunphy is a seemingly happily married man of 18 years (although he may be too dumb to realize he’s actually miserable being married to such a stressed-out Type-A shrew).

Nevertheless, Phil Dunphy and his wife seem to make an effort to keep their romance alive despite raising 3 kids.

Date night.

Although Ron Swanson has yet to gift the world with his superior genetics by procreating, there’s no denying he’s a romantic force to be reckoned with.

The most exciting and risqué thing Phil Dunphy has ever done is rent a hotel room with his wife and engage in a little role-playing on their wedding anniversary.

Ron Swanson would have at least taken off his f**king socks.

And while definitely romantic, a hotel getaway pales in comparison to the awesome things Ron Swanson has done in the name of love.  Here’s a list:

Broke into a government office

Put his hair in cornrows

Either tattooed, pierced or purchased a c**kring for his penis (it was unclear)

Punched his bare fists through a glass window

Acquired a silk sex kimono

Rubbed off the middle part of mustache due to excessive “friction” during marathon lovemaking sessions

Oh, and did I mention all of the above happened in a single night?  Because it did.  That’s just how Ron Swanson rolls when it comes to romance.

“Role-playing is for pussies.”

Winner: Swanson

ROUND 4: FACIAL HAIR

Phil Dunphy once wore a fake mustache in a dimwitted attempt to try and sell more houses as a real estate agent.

Insert lame porn star joke here.

Ron Swanson once grew a monstrous beard in a matter of weeks after running into the woods to live in a log cabin (and avoid seeing his ex-wife).

Even Jeremiah Johnson would be in awe.

Winner: Swanson

ROUND 5: DRINKING

On a recent episode of Modern Family, Phil Dunphy got drunk on wine and agreed to give one of his wife’s ovarian eggs to his gay brother-in-law so he and his partner could use a surrogate to have a baby.

Ron Swanson doesn’t drink wine.  Ron Swanson drinks scotch.

Like a boss.

In fact, Ron Swanson can drink so much scotch, he once knocked back 9 glasses before proceeding to use heavy and dangerous machinery in order to craft a harp in his woodworking shop.

But despite his preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol, Ron Swanson can still get drunk.

And when he does, he does this:

Winner: Swanson

FINAL SCORE:

Swanson 5, Dunphy 0

So there you have it.  A clean sweep.  The reigning Emmy winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Television Comedy can’t hold a candle to Ron Swanson when it comes to who’s the better character.

Maybe if Dunphy swapped out his mani-pedis and vegan bacon for a little woodworking and steak now and then he’d be able to butch up a bit and put up a better fight.

That’s no sex kimono.

And speaking of vegan bacon, Ron Swanson is not a fan.