Because ass-raping one nostalgic 80′s childhood franchise wasn’t enough, Michael Bay is now attached to produce a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live-action movie adaptation.

If he ever got his hands on Batman I’d f**king snap.

And if you think he caused controversy in the Transformers films by changing Optimus Prime from a cab over to Peterbilt 379 truck and putting flames on the doors, then you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Still retarded.

Apparently in his adaptation of everyone’s favourite heroes in a half shell, Michael Bay decided that 4 turtles and a rat crawling through some radioactive ooze in a sewer,  mutating into muscular anthropomorphic crime-fighters, and training in the martial arts to become deadly ninjas wasn’t an original enough idea.

Instead, Bay decided he would freshen up a popular and unique franchise by making the turtles skinny aliens and giving them futuristic space guns.

If I wanted to see a turtle with a gun I could just do this in my backyard.

So if the Turtles are now from outer space, how the hell are they still even ninjas?  Isn’t ninjutsu a martial art inherent to planet earth?

There’s no need to learn hand-to-hand combat if you have a ray gun.

The entire TMNT franchise is built around the fact that Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo are martial arts trained mutants from the sewers.

What does Michael Bay plan on calling them if they’re non-mutated combat-trained extraterrestrials from a galaxy far, far away?  Adolescent Alien Turtle-like Warriors?

And because aliens are unfamiliar with the Italian Renaissance, their names will be Zeebo, Gaknar, Jub-Jub and Blork.

To add insult to injury, after it was announced that the Ninja Turtles wouldn’t even be mutants anymore and instead extraterrestrials, Michael Bay proceeded to tell outraged fans they needed to “take a breath and chill.”

Since we’re giving out friendly advice, get a hair cut and quit blowing shit up in your movies dickhead.

Can you believe the nerve of this guy?

First he takes a huge dump all over beloved 28 year old comic book characters that have transcended virtually every entertainment medium, then he turns around and tells the fans of those characters to “chill out?

Maybe his zen secret is wearing lots of leather while pushing 50.

Look, I’m not saying Michael Bay shouldn’t be able to take creative liberties as a filmmaker.

I don’t mind if he decides to leave out characters like the annoying reporter April O’Neil, hockey mask wearing vigilante Casey Jones, or even the Ninja Turtles arch enemy Shredder.

I do, however, hope this epic douche isn’t hired as the voice of Donatello again.

The bottom line is there’s a big difference between taking creative liberties as a producer and flat out disrespecting a franchise.

But to be fair, it wouldn’t be the first time.

You don’t take away Superman’s cape, you don’t put Wonder Woman in pants, and you sure as shit don’t swap sewers for space and ditch the bo-staffs, nun-chucks, multi-coloured bandanas and radioactive backstory that literally puts the mutant in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,